Hey guys.....

If you're reading this then you know I really need some help, and I know it may sound like some self pity, and maybe I really just don't understand, but when it comes down to it I feel like the later.. Its 4:33am and first off let me tell you I finished a bottle and a half of wine off by myself in like 4 hours, so I am still feeling the affect and maybe that is why I feel compelled to write even though it may not make much since....

You see.. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months but we have been friends for 2 years. He's been having sex since he was 17 years old and he is now almost 24. I on the other hand have never experienced anything like it until I met him...well besides the few oral experiences, but even then I NEVER allowed anyone down there.. We have both had our chances at love with other people and then we decided to give each other a chance....and then a month or so ago we actually had sex. I"m 20 by the way, kind of a late bloomer in this kind of stage, but everything just felt right. However since then, I've discovered I ABSOLUTELY LOVE making love *having sex* whatever you want to call it because although there is a difference I adore him being inside right?

Well I feel horrible sometimes for wanting to do it as much and once he has gone I still want more... I found that I can  usually go about 4 times afterwards before I"m exhausted, but usually I only go once or not at all... I feel like something is wrong with me because he says he use to be able to go all the time and I thought guys wanted to do it all the time....but he has proved me wrong... and it's like once he goes that is the end of it.... so what happens to me....

I know this is bad but once he is asleep afterwards...sometimes I crawl into the shower to wash myself clean and cry...just cry  because I just don't understand why it is he doesn't want to go anymore, and I do....and although I'm a premed major and I understand the hormonal difference, my heart won't and can't accept it... I feel like a slut sometimes and I feel not good enough and even if I try to explain it to him...it doesn't come out the right way...and I feel it goes in one ear and out the other.... I don't think I"m a terrible lover.. but then again what do I know.. hes the only one who would know and he says I'm not....

I"m sorry if this is personal...maybe it's just then almost 2 bottles of wine talking here....but it really does bother me... I feel so unsatisfied in that department.... like something is missing....but other than that....everything is great.. I couldn't be happier... I love him so much.... but that one depot is killing me.....


Please any advise would be wonderful!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!

The past few months I've been really busy looking for other jobs, about to start bartending, and really working on my grades for school, which by the way is going well, besides the fact that I hate waking up and being bored haha.. I have my friend Nydia here who makes those days a lot better, and then Derek and I are working on 4 months together wow huh?

 
Things with Derek and I are going great actually. I never thought it would be possible to love someone again, and then if I did, I NEVER thought I'd be more in love now with him then I've ever been. He is one of my best friends, and one of the people I'm actually comfortable with doing everything with, even singing!

 Spring break was a blast!!!! I saw my bestest buddy for a few days…sad day that it wasn't for longer but getting to see her and walk on the beach was just amazing even if I did give her teammates bad directions haha. Then my little brother came to visit me with his girlfriend and her little one. It was great to see him after not for about 3 and ½ months….that turd…he's too cool for his big sis these days…. Although to give him credit, I am kind of a nerd….But we spent most of the time at the beach and that was a blast…

 My birthday weekend was great!!! I came home got to see my family and brought Derek home with me, I think my family was more anxious to see him than me haha…. I mean it's my birthday but my mom wants to know what HE wants for dinner…. Gosh…feel the love…But it was good all together. I mean we had dinner, went to the zoo, saw everyone…. Nothing better than home.

 Life is going awesome right now! Granted there are a few road bumps, and a few people missing from my life, but you know what, everything happens for a reason, and those people that aren't here will forever be embedded into my heart and those road bumps will soon be over with, only to have new ones of course, but I'm just so thankful for everything that's happened. God is so amazing and so wonderful.

 I know I sometimes have my doubts and I'm sometimes filled with anger and hurt because of him, so I think, and I feel ashamed afterwards but I just tell myself that  He has a plan, so just go along with it. Knowing that I have a purpose in life is so fulfilling, now let' me get back to it…

 Thanks for letting me bore you!!!!!

Ok I'm a really nice person and it's hard to piss me off... so those reading this be warned that this may contain adult content at least could have severe language...

I hate to cuss right... but earlier today this little whore bag wrote my brother and a whole bunch of mutual friends... she hopes he gets shot and dies... he's in the marines...how the hell do you say something like that?? she said she would laugh her ass off too...my brother is die hard about this too he wants to serve and protect our country... and riskin his life is part of the job.. but she had NO freakin right to say that... I mean seriously how stupid are you?

These people leave their homes, friends, and families to protect our country to SAVE OUR ASSES and here is this one insolent girl saying something like this... Yes it is a risk that they will die.. but you don't say something like that to his friends and family... Someone has to do it.. and I have all the respect in the world for our troops... but this little slut just said something so offensive to me not only because it's about my brother but because their are too many people out there really losing their loved ones because of this... Sorry I needed to vent...

You know, when you come to think about it, Life is just a series of moving from day to day, from rush to rush, from disappointment to disappointment, knowing that all you know and hold dear will one day be taken from you, and dogs will pee on you and mimes will kick you in the ribs and steal all your stuff, and you'll be forced to become a human lab rat to survive, and they'll probably do something gross to you like remove your head and make you look at your own headless body, and then they'll reattach it just to freak you even more out.

 

How do you get over this? How do you move on? Why is life so rushed? Why is it so pressured to be this or that? Why can’t there be more second chances? Why do the good die young? Why must questions you have the most desire to know go unanswered? Our deepest aspiration is to love and be loved. Are not the wounds inflicted by love the ones that hurt us the most? And it is also by loving that we may find a true and lasting happiness.

Ironic..coincidence?

 

I’m at crossroads with myself. Do I take a right, left, go straight or reverse? As my best friend and I would say…”shut up and drive” haha.. In one direction I am free to do whatever I want continue down this path of lonely days but the fun promiscuous nights… We’ll say that’s left… Right is the land down under… haha..  only few will get this…. Behind me is a place I’d love to be again but know it’s not good for me… I’ve ‘moved’ on if that’s the proper terminology… And straight in front of there is a light…hope? Is that what it looks like? I’m not sure… but I want to get to know it better… I wish I knew what to do.. when in doubt turn right unless your just completely fudged (I know I know)then take a left but then if your just really screwed what then? in which case you wind up doing a circle… somehow… you pass all directions… so do I take my foot off the brakes and make a move or do I just sit in idle wasting gas waiting for something to register?

 

 

 

 

It has been a long time since we really talked. Each time we meet it’s either filled with animosity or silence, and I know I’m the one who has caused the majority of the reasons that things are like they are today. So much is on my mind I don’t know where to start though.

Many things have happened in the past, and many things have changed. It deosn’t matter how much time has gone by. Time could never make my feelings for you weak or fade. TO have given me so much, made so many promises, telling me that I could put all my trust in you, and that you’d never let me down only to cut me out of your life completely was not only cruel, but you decided my fate. By coming into my life, giving me something wonderful and making me BELIEVE in you, only to take it away has sentenced me to a life of emptiness.

If only you knew how much your absence has affect me, you’d never have tossed me aside as you have. I no longer have that safe place to go to, that special place that was you, safe and secure, and so full of love. I have never experienced such pain, the pain in knowing that I’ll never get to see or hear from you again in a loving capacity.

There are days where I wish I never met you, but I know in my heart you were sent to me for a reason... to teach me the gift of love. If only I could figure out why I’m without you now. I’ll always remember this day, today, tomorrow, until my memory fades to black. It’s as if I was awakeded from my sleep. I felt like breathing again. I never thought that someone could make me feel this alive. I’d surely treasure those memories we’ve shared till I grow old. It is true you’ll never know true love till you get burned. You’ll never realize that you got until you say goodbye.

The love in my heart for you will never change. I was told that time heals everything. I’ve come to believe time just makes things a little easier to deal with. But the truth is, I still dream of you, I still cry myself to sleep thinking of you, and I still look up at the stars we gazed at so many times wishing you were near me. I love you so much and I know I shouldn’t. It’s only going to cause me pain. Maybe someday you’ll appreciate me and see how much I love you, but for now I have to concentrate on me. I need someone to love me for a change.

I pray that you will accomplish your dreams with strength and pride and honor. I still love you and want you to have the best of life. I just wish I was a part of it. I never knew that someone could ever hurt as much as I do. What scares me is I’m sure the pain in life gets worse. I guess I just want you by my side to ease it. You have hurt me in countless ways, in ways you promised you would never. In ways I never knew you could or would ever do. It is only worth mentioning because it hasn’t shaken my love for you. I want to believe in forgiving and forgetting.

If only you would let me forgive you. If only you showed me you cared. chels0401